kevin murphy

So: some enterprising souls have unearthed the moldy archive of our long-dead humor site TimmyBigHands.  It's a bit jarring to visit the thing, which I loved working on and which failed so completely due to the ferocious timing of us launching a "content" site (I despise that word in this context, created by the asshole of commerce), on the eve of the first great dot-com crash.  And keep in mind that this site was created long before "blog" was a common term.  But it did yield some good work, my favorite of which are the serial novels that Mike, Bill, Paul Chaplin and I wrote in true tag team fashion, and smashingly illustrated by MST alum Pat Brantseg. 

We also took pleasure in writing essays not for a publisher, editor or agent's perusal but for our own satisfaction.  So because I'm feeling chuffed, I'll reprint the story that got me the most reaction and the most press, positive and negative.  The missing illustration referred to in the story was a of Larry, posed much loike Lee Harvey Oswald, with a copy of the Bill of Rights in one hand and a leaf-blower in the other.  

-kwm

* * *

 

YOUR LOYAL AMERICAN LEAF-BLOWING PAL

The following series of letters appeared over eighteen months in a Minneapolis newspaper's weekly gardening advice column "Ask Dan the Gardener."

April 24^th

Hey Dan:

Thanks for great column on leaf blowers. I took your advice and got the biggest one I could find-- the Yard Monster Magnum with the big Tecumseh 5-horse motor. I used it to blow-rake the yard and it worked like a charm (I have almost half an acre!). And man is it powerful. Half my leaves ended up clear over to my neighbors yard! Sorry neighbors. I’m sure they won’t mind.

Thanks a bunch!
Larry in Bloomington

***

May 15^th

Hey Dan:

I am in love with my leaf blower. I have some advice for all your leaf-blowing readers: take the wadding out of the muffler to increase the horsepower and send those leaves to smithereens. Sure it’s a little louder, but with all that power, I’ll get my work done faster. I use it every morning before I go to work, to blow-sweep the driveway and the walks, and also it keeps my yard neat as a pin.

Keep blowing!
Larry in Bloomington

***

June 9th

Hey Dan:

I just want to tell your readers a few uses for their leaf blowers they might not of thought of. I use it blow-sweep my garage, it sure beats a broom! And here’s a new one; you can use it to blow-brush all the twigs off your roof after storms. And the vacuum attachment lets me get every little leaf and twig out of the flowerbeds. My ex-wife told me she likes how the yard looks neat as a pin. Who knows, maybe I can win her back. (Just kidding honey, don’t call the lawyer!)

Larry in Bloomington

***

July 6th

Hey Dan:

Say here’s a novel use for your leaf blowers out there: on Independence Day, remember how it was all hot and not windy? Well I just turned my leaf-blower on the flag and left it on all day, with Old Glory waving proudly. When I got home from the family picnic, the blower was still running, thanks to the Yard Monster’s extra big capacity gas tank.

Also, I’m wondering if you know if there is a social group or association of people who use there leaf blowers. Maybe I’ll start one and you can be a charter member.

Blowing Away,
Larry in Bloomington

***

August 2^nd

Hey Dan:

On these really hot days, I like to blow rake in the evening, near dinnertime, when all the neighbors are out for barbecues and what-not. They stand and wave, and yell hello and other things. but I can’t hear them with the ear plugs in, so I just wave back. I’m sure they love the way my yard looks.

(The following was omitted by the editor)

By the way, You are member number two in my new Blow-Buddies Social club. I’m member number one and president of course. You’ll be getting your first newsletter soon! Do you or anybody at the paper know how the internet works?

Keep On Blowin'!
Larry in Bloomington

***

October 25^th

Dear Dan The Gardener:

I need some helpful advice. I’m the guy who wrote you about how much I love to use my leaf blower. Well I have been getting some complaints from our neighbors about how loud it is. Especially the old guy across the road (his yard looks like hell, by the way) and he even says he wants to get up a petition to outlaw leaf-blowers in our neighborhood. Wow! Can he do this? I think it’s a violation of my civil rights. Nobody complains when there’s loud parades and fireworks and things, so why should they complain about the leaf blower?

So here’s what I decided to do. I thought I’d do him a favor and blow-sweep his yard as a surprise. Cause maybe he’d be delighted when he saw how neat and everything his yard looks after it. So I went over real early on Sunday and blew all the leaves out of his yard. It was a mess Dan, especially the shrubs near his bedroom window. Chuck full of leaves. Suddenly he comes out screaming and says he’s gonna call the police. Wow! I think people just don’t know how to be good neighbors anymore.

Larry in Bloomington

***

December 28^th

Dear Dan:

It’s your pal with the great leaf blower again! I have another great way to use your leaf blower I hope you can pass along. When there’s just a bit of snow on the ground, you can actually blow-shovel your driveway and sidewalks! You have to do it a lot, every hour or so, but I think I might throw away my shovel! Wow! I was out blow-shovelling all Christmas Eve, with the lights and all and snow all around. It’s beautiful.

Happy New Blowing Year!
Larry in Bloomington

***

April 5^th

Dear Dan:

Wow!I have to write you about my new leaf blower!It’s the Yard Monster Pro Series Turbo blaster, the big back-pack style like the pro’s use, with a full ten horsepower 4-cycle water-cooled Briggs and Stratton engine. It’s the biggest one they make! I took off the muffler to increase performance of course, and now I can knock squirrels out of the trees! As for those pesky neighbors whining about the sound and the dust, let ’em howl, heck, they’re noisier than my leaf blower! HA!

By the way, I have a turbocharger off my old boat that fits my leaf blower, and it'll boost the horsepower up to maybe 30! Wow!

“Blown Away” in Bloomington,
Larry

***

May 10th

Dear Dan:

I’m surprised to read your reply to my letter. I thought you’d be on my side on the leaf-blower issue. Why should I “show restraint” in my blow-gardening? It’s my property, and I’m not hurting anyone. I’m enjoying my personal liberties just as much as those kids who play the rap music so loud you can hear it ten feet away or more! I thought you would be the kind who cares about government running our lives. I guess you don’t like your yard as neat as a pin.

Happy Flag Day!
Larry in Bloomington

***

CASE FILE #33:018 Lawrence Gerard Stone
(The following unpublished letters were forwarded to Bloomington Metro Detective Unit from the newspaper’s editor.)

Exhibit 33:018A received June 14^th

Dear Mr. Dan the Gardener:

You didn't publish my last letter. You have to help me take a stand against these bastards who are trying to ruin my summer. Three times the police have been over here harassing me now. I think my ex is sending them cause she wants to ruin my chances at getting custody. Well screw her. It won't happen.

Now my neighbors are leaving letters and petitions from the so-called "neighborhood association" saying they're gonna get alawyerto stop me from using my leaf blower. Can you believe this (deleted)? Sorry about saying (deleted), but I have every right to run my leaf blower just like my Jet Ski and my snowmobile. These are rights and they aren't alieable by the cops or anybody. You have to write a column defending me. COME ON!!

Your friend,
Larry in Bloomington

*** 

Exhibit 33:018B received June 16^th

Hey Dan:

Why aren't you printing my letters anymore?! This issue regarding leaf-blowers has become very serious, and I need you to say something and maybe give me the number of your paper's lawyer to help me, since I've been in print and now I'm being harassed. There was an incident, and it wasn't my fault.

Here's how it happened, and again, it wasn't my fault. I was defending myself. I just finished boring out the pistons on my Yard Monster leaf blower and was minding my own business, blow-edging the sidewalk, when a bunch of guys from the neighborhood just came into the yard and tried to take away my leaf blower!! This is crazy and they were going to hurt me, so I turned the blower on them. Let me tell you, the extra horsepower I got from boring out the pistons really helped. It has the stopping power of a 12-gauge, especially when I toss a handful of rocks in front of the high-pressure nozzle. They went running off my personal private property, and I was in the right and very proud to defend myself, and excited that maybe I can make some money by retooling leaf blowers as personal defense weapons. Anyways suddenly the cops showed up at my door and hauled me away on assault charges. Sorry, but this is complete bullshit. I was out in a half-hour.

Dan, you have to help me stand up for the common man. Write an article or a profile of me and help me defend the bill of rights! I enclosed a picture of me with my leaf-blower.

Your Loyal American leaf-blowing pal,
Larry in Bloomington

***

Exhibit 33:018C received June 18th

Hey Gardener:

What the hell is your deal? I get a letter from your guys's lawyer telling me that they can't help me and I should "ease the tone" of my letters to you! What is this (deleted)? I'm just trying to use my leaf blower, and everybody's on my ass! I'm up on assault charges, my job is threatening to fire me, my (deleted) ex is suing for full custody and now she's got a court order that says Im violent. I'm not violent! Im just a guy who likes his yard to be neat as a pin! I raise the value of the neighborhood and those bastards come over here and (deleted) on me! And now you're not gonna help well thats just great. I'll stand up for my own rights. I'm gonna have my own parade right down my block and I'll hold a sign with the Bill of Rights on it and run my leaf-blower full blast. This is America, I can do this.

A disappointed reader in Bloomington

***

Exhibit 33:018D received June 19^th (Delivered by hand to newspaper's front desk)

Dear (deleted):

(deleted) you, you (deleted). You (deleted)completely reversed your position on leaf-blowers so you are (deleted) in the head. I can’t believe you’d say things like that about leaf blowers! They are not “louder than Harley Davidsons” and they are not a “public nuisance. I am not a “polluter” or a “suburban terrorists” You stupid (deleted). I’m a good man who pays his taxes and likes to keep his place neat as a (deleted)pin and I’m not giving up my leaf blower without a fight. Maybe I’ll come up to your (deleted)office and blow-file a few papers for you. By the way I made some buckshot cannisters that’ll keep those (deleted) neighbors out of my hair. As for you, (deleted) you.

***

(The following story appeared in the "Metro/State" section of the paper on June 21st.)

An east Bloomington man was the victim of a grisly murder in his home yesterday. The body of Lawrence Gerard Stone, 41, divorced, an engine repairperson at UniFridge, was found bound and gagged in his garage after numerous complaints from neighbors about a loud noise. Stone was taken to Cedar Memorial Hospital and pronounced dead on arrival.

Police found Stone on the floor of his open garage. The cause of death was apparently a large gasoline-powered leaf blower, its high-pressure nozzle inserted far into Stone’s rectum, with the motor still operating at full power.

An investigation is planned, though there are few leads. Stone's neighbors described him as a disturbed man with violent tendencies, and yet it seems he always kept his property “neat as a pin.”

***

Occurred in the wild, near frozen pizza display, Cub Foods, Bloomington, MN, 21 May 2009 approx 4:35 PM CDT.

One must try to report these sightings as soon as they occur.  In our local habitat they're becoming quite scarce.  

...As the Bud Light-swilling otter at the Thirsty Otter Resort on Balsam Lake will attest.  And yes, I fish.  Caught my first musky two years ago.  Even have a boat - before you say anything, know that it's a fifteen-footer with a thirty-year-old motor and it seats two adults and a dog comfortably.  Oh, it's a plush rig, new carpet, new seats, a place for the cooler and a powered anchor line.  Livin' high my friend.

The boat's name is Tangaroa.  I learned about this tiki during my stays in the Cook Islands.  Among his many traits, Tangaroa protects fisher-folk and those setting out to sea in any event.  Often a tiki of Tangaroa might ride in the canoe as a token of good luck.  You'll find Tangaroa tikis all over the place, in gardens, public parks, in the shops of Ratotonga.  But people off the island don't talk about him too much, possibly because the traditional image has a schlong that reaches to the floor.  I'm serious, it's truly like a third leg. You'll have to find your own images of this, I'll not cater to your prurience, and besides, I already gave you an image of a beer-wielding otter.  

Back to fishing.  I fish for walleye and bass, and have scant luck.  My spouse Jane fishes for panfish and fills the boat.  This is fine by me, because she also cleans said panfish, which is akin to field-dressing a mouse.  Jane learned this skill from her grandfather Mel, who always had a stead hand and a  knife sharp enough to split protons.  

Jane has taught me that fishing is a serene activity, not an obligation.  In the past I'd be fussing with the boat, changing spots, changing tackle, pursuing wily lunkers, failing at same, casting into trees and cursing like a Mamet character.  Meanwhile Jane sits like the monk, feet on the gunwhale, calmly yanking up bluegill after crappie and securing dinner. It's this attitude that caused me to christen the boat after an icon of a culture that's learned to relax.  I might well have named it after my favorite Italian concept, il dolce far niente - the sweetness of doing nothing.

Here's hoping we all get a chance to do a bit of nothing this summer.

-kwm

 

At long last - The Rifftones have an album.  Music for Riffing is now available for download in MP3 or CD-ready formats.  Ten songs, all inspired by movies that drove us mad with rage (Except for Jaws, loved Jaws, still do). 

We had a Hell of a good time putting these together.  We hope you like 'em.  If you do, we'll do more.

Enclosure